A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about my new favorite tv show, Ted Lasso. If you aren’t familiar with it, the premise is as follows: Ted Lasso is an American football coach who is hired to coach the Richmond Football Club (soccer) of the English Premier League, by the owner, and recently divorced, Rebecca. She does this with the hopes that Ted will fail spectacularly and force the team into relegation (demoted to a lower league) thereby hurting her ex-husband where she believes it will hurt most. This is revenge for of all the hurt he caused her in their marriage.
There are many themes to write about that the show addresses, but one that seems to occur repeatedly is how to give and receive and apology. Normally, it seems in life, apologies can be brief, general and even sarcastic or without feeling. Think about a child, rolling their eyes at their parents while saying, “Sorry”, not because they have regretted their actions and realized the hurt they caused, but solely because their parents said they cannot have dessert until they apologized. Or perhaps, think about it in a relationship between two adults. One says, “I’m sorry” but they don’t really know what they are sorry for and are just saying it to get the conversation over with because they know it is the right thing to say.
What about the responses to many apologies? What do we typically say? “No problem.” “Forget about it.” “It isn’t a big deal.” Although much of the time that isn’t the case, is it. “It” was a big problem, that is why someone was hurt. One might say “forget about it” but is the person saying that actually going to forget it also? Lastly, it is a big deal, that is why there was an argument.
If that is the way many of our apologies and acknowledgement of them go, is it any wonder why many of us have the same argument over and over.
This is what I love about Ted Lasso. When someone apologizes, it is specific and genuine. The person apologizing understands why the other person was hurt or upset. They don’t try to justify their prior behavior, instead they have compassion and empathy toward the other person. They acknowledge what they did and name it.
In return, the other person does not try to diminish the apology or the hurt that was caused by it. The apology is acknowledged with a simple “Thank you for saying that.” Another response is “I forgive you.” There aren’t any lingering affects wondering “Did they really mean that?”
Now, I understand this is tv and it doesn’t represent real life. When we are hurt deeply, it generally isn’t something that we can just name and move on from, but I do believe the way Ted Lasso represents apologizing can be a blueprint for us. We have all hurt someone and been hurt. When we hurt someone, do we really understand how our actions might have been the cause of the hurt or are we too busy trying to justify our actions so we don’t have to admit our mistake. When we accept someone’s apology, do we still hold onto a grudge? Do we let our anger linger and even though we say we accepted their apology, we act as if it was never offered?
Remember, when we apologize and accept an apology and offer forgiveness, it doesn’t mean everything can always go back to the way things were. Sometimes, proper boundaries are needed and the relationship changes. Too often though, I think we don’t think we are willing to do the work that is needed. We apologize insincerely and accept apologies with the same insincerity right back.
Apologizing and forgiving is hard work. I get it. I have not been very good at either in many instances in my life, but I can think about the times in which I have done the work of both and I am glad that I have.
Grace and Peace,
Pastor Tim
I would show a clip of an apology from Ted Lasso, but it would give away too much of the show and I don’t want to ruin it for you if you haven’t seen it yet.